Chris! Meet Your (Special) Ladies! -The Bachelor Episode 1 Recap

Welcome to another season of The Bachelor!

Like usual, I will be recapping each episode for you so that you can either catch up if you missed an episode, get a little reminder before the next episode and/or so you can chirp in your own feelings/comments and we can bond over the humility of these people. :)

The Hubby and I usually like to let The Bach start a little and build up on the DVR, so to make sure it was recording I asked The Hubby to double check as I dug out my ice cream bar and snuggled into my jammies. As we settled in to watch, The Hubby and I got about two minutes in…and it stopped.

And I panicked! This is when The Hubby chimed in, “Oh yeah. The DVR is almost full.” And this is also when I throat chopped him.

I at least thought about it.

We quickly turned to “live mode” and realized we didn’t miss much. What we DID notice, though, is that Chris (The Bachelor) kind-of looks like I might after waking up from anesthesia. Don’t you think? There’s just kind-of a glaze about him..

And the other noticeable little tidbit (Or…Bigtit?) (Ahh I couldn’t resist!) is how large Nikki’s (from Juan Pablo’s season) girls have “grown.” As she gave her super awkward interview with Chris Harrison revealing how she and The Pabs are no longer together, they’re all I can look at. She used to be in my club!

(My apologies for the pretty crappy photos. I had to take them while watching ABC.com, which wouldn’t pause. A wee-bit challenging! Okay, here we go! Brace yourselves… you’re in for a doozey..

Fast-forward to the limo arrivals…

Britt is the first one to walk out of the limo and she is just beyond herself. My first reaction is “keeper!” Gorgeous, gorgeous girl. But then she gives a SUPER awkward long hug, tears included, and even does a little digging into the back action. Nevermind. Creeper

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Whitney is up next and all I think of when I see her is “Crazy Birdlady”. I am not sure exactly why. Maybe her yellow heels and annoying voice reminds me of Big Bird? Again, not sure.

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Kelsey follows Whitney out of the limo and there isn’t anything note-worthy about her except she seems normal. Ha! The normal chick gets nothing from me.

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When Megan walks out next The Hubby declares her hair “slept on” and that he doesn’t like it. And I am thinking…SLEPT ON?! “You don’t know style! YOU look slept on!” -maybe because I style my hair just like hers…

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Ashley I. is next out of the gate and we both decide that she will go far. She reminds us of Andi, the Bachelorette who dumped Chris last season and he seems to like those bold brunettes.

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Trina is next and the first thing I notice about her is that she is 33! Yeah women in their 30’s! And there doesn’t  appear to be anything kooky about her! (Yet!) I vote for her! She needs some loving NOW and those twenty-somethings still have time!

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Reegan comes out and I can just tell she is a bit of a kook. This is confirmed when she explains to Chris that her profession is selling tissue. As in not Kleenex.  And she opens her death box to reveal a fake heart. Weird. Just, weird.

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Tara. Oh,Tara. Tare comes out of the limo in Daisy Dukes and a cowgirl ensemble and explains that this is who she is. And I DIG it! Chris seems to like it as well, but as soon as she walks in to greet the other ladies she is immediately judged. She then orders a Jamison on the rocks and I immediately know this girl is hard-core. I mean where’s the mixer and cute little umbrella?! Not for this girl…

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Amber makes a brief entrance with her comforting teddy bear and I immediately want to slap her and send her back to her mommy. LAME!

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Tara then changes out of her cowgirl getup and sneaks back into the limo without being seen. She is the last to exit this limo and is now wearing a cocktail dress and has styled her hair differently. And I give Chris mad props for recognizing her! I am not sure I would have after meeting so many women!

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Amanda is out next and is a “Secret Admirer,” handing out a note to be given to Chris. He must close his eyes while she giggles and gallops around him. She makes her way inside but not before sneaking in a little boobie press into his back, sure to leave an impression.

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Jillian dominantly exits the limo and this is going to be another one who makes it far. She comments on his “muscles” (LAME) and then flares her own. And I immediately want to curl up on the couch and hide because she could whoop my buns.

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Mackenzie is next and this is another hair-do The Hubby isn’t fond of. That whole “get-out-of-bed and go” look clearly isn’t for him. Shoot.

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Ashley comes out of the limo looking lost. And confused. Dazed and Confused. With crazy eyes. She’s going to make for some great television.

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Oh Lord. Kaitlyn- Oh man. Let me just prepare you.  Worst one-liner ever.  Kaitlyn walks out and you can tell Chris is into her until she opens her mouth. She comments on how Chris is a farmer and then… and I quote, says, “You can plow my field any day.” And I’m embarrassed. Slightly mortified. And want to cry to the poor girl’s mama.

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Cue extremely nervous man-giggle.

 

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Chris Harrison then tells Chris (Damnit I need a nickname)  he can go inside and mingle with his ladies. And he’s a little thrown off since there are only 15 women, but goes inside and this is where the mayhem begins with the questioning of why there are only 15 women.

Chris (Damnit I need a nickname)  goes in to toast with the ladies and Kaitlyn interrupts asking if she should tell a joke. Chris (Damnit I need a nickname) abruptly cuts her off after his last encounter with her and offers for her to tell the joke later. He toasts and then Kaitlyn, with all attention on her as she had hoped for says, “Why did the walrus go to a Tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal…” and the girls horrifyingly laugh and can’t believe what just exited that girl’s mouth.

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Britt is the first one he has some one-on-one time with and she has a way about her. I can’t put my finger on it yet. But Chris eats up every word she says and is a smitten kitten.

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And she follows Chris around the house with her face and I dub her the possessive one.

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Chris Harrison then brings out the first impression rose with only 15 women and they’re all a bunch of frantic frogs.

Frantic frogs with fangs.

Chris (Damnit I need a nickname)  then goes on to find the Secret Admirer and once he does he is scared shitless.

Okay, I kid. He didn’t show it on the outside, but I KNOW he was scared on the inside. This girl flaunts her ginormous eyes telling the camera that she finds it important to make eye contact and I’m thinking, no. No, you shouldn’t.

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I then think to myself… “Do I look like this? …..I think I do. Crap. Do I need to tone down the eye-adge? AM I crazy eyes, too!?”

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Chris Harrison pulls Chris (Damnit I need a nickname) outside and informs him more women are coming. And the original 15 flutter about the house squealing and squawking.

Nicole comes out with a pig nose saying she wants to “ham it up” and I feel awkward.

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Brittany, did I catch this correctly? Is she a WWE wrestler? Her dress is hideous. Hooker-status

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Carly comes out with a karaoke machine and is a cruise ship performer. And sometimes I want to punch people like this. Not always. Just sometimes. And not hard. Just like a quick little jab.

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I I left out a few that weren’t very note-worthy, but now there are 25 women and when ANOTHER limo pulls up the women freak out. This is the most contestants that have ever been on the show.

Jade comes out in a dress that may  as well have been boobie tassles. The material only fully covers the nipple-portion of her breasts and a sheer material “covers” the rest. Chris holds her hands, looks down and says “This is perfection.” (Hard to see in the picture)

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MMm hmmm, Chris (Damnit I need a nickname). Mmmm hmmm.

Kaitlin tries to teach Chris how to break-dance and I see right through her trap. Boobie and bootie shots galore. Chris then says she has “Qualities I am looking for in a wife.” Ugh…. No. No! Stop thinking with your weenie!

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Hours have gone by and Ashley S. has now been dubbed “The Wasted Onion.” Is that a restaurant? If not, it should be.  In a drunken stupor she is talking to the camera about how people are like onions, needing to be peeled layer by layer, and then she”sees” one growing on a tree. And is insistent the cameraman looks.

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Turns out to be a pomegranate. And she is mystified.

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Fast forward and Chris gives the first impression rose to Britt- shocker! And then he kisses her! Makes out, even! And thank GOODNESS “the others” didn’t see this. But this is also where we see something interesting. Britt, I swear, has some acting experience. Because her hand and face gestures are just too on-point to be natural.

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Because once out of the presence of Chris (Damnit I need a nickname), her true colors arise as she flaunts her First Impression Rose.

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Fast-forward to the Rose Ceremony…

Chris (Damnit I need a nickname) chooses Crazy Kaitlin and then Boobie Tassels when giving the roses, making me think twice about his judgement.

In the backgroud as Chris (Damnit I need a nickname) is handing out the roses, Tara is about to bite the dust. She is SO wasted that she can barely hold herself up. And girls be commenting.

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And somehow. Some way. Chris ends up choosing Tara. And nostrils flare. No, they ROAR!

Most of the girls you’d expect to receive roses, do… and the final rose goes to The Crazy Onion to make for good television.

As the girls who were sent home are exiting, I notice it is daylight outside.

DAYLIGHT!

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They had to have been partying for like at least eight hours or so! No WONDER they were plastered! Shoot. I’d probably be passed out somewhere, too!

One girl, though, doesn’t take no for an answer. And she marches back into the room and asks to speak to Chris (Damnit I need a nickname), and the episode ends.

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Good job, ABC. I will be back next week.

And of course, we are given a sneak peak of the coming season and there are tears, hysteria, oxygen masks, scandals, angry bitches, and I am left wanting more!

Side note- Look what I saw on Instagram! Andi (last season’s Bachelorette) MADE the dress she was wearing at the premiere!

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Anyway, wow! You made it through! I congratulate you. That was a LONG one! Thanks for sticking with me and here’s to a hopefully action-packed season!

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