*We had company last Monday and when we settled in to watch The Bach an hour after it started it was to my utter frustration to learn it had never recoreded. So, the first half of this re-cap is from abc.com. The problem is now fixed and won’t happen again. Pft.
Okay, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine depending where you are and let’s get started!
We pick up right where we left off last episode with Kimberly approaching Chris after she was dissed. How long has it been since you’v heard that word? Dissed.
She begs for another chance and he “breaks the rules” by allowing her to have it.
And bitches be blazin’.
They fake clap that they’re happy for her, but their looks say otherwise.
Chris Harrison then speaks to the ladies and informs them where he lives. He also tells them there are no rules and that they should all try to get as much time with him as they can and if they don’t get a date, they should create their own time with him.
I am predicting it now. One girl sneaks off to see him for a midnight rendevous and is caught by another girl trying to do the same. And they brawl.
Fast-forward to the first date card and it is a group date. They have a pool party and Chris takes off his shirt in a lame fashion, tossing it to the side.
Fast-forward back to the mansion and two of the girls, Megan and Jillian, sneak over to Chris’ place. Megan tries on Chris’ helmet and slams her head against every hard object in sight because #thatmakessense.
And Jillian has to be covered by one of those sensor boxes and it makes me wonder what the hell is under there. Does her bikini bottom really not cover her goods? Because #classy.
Fast-forward back to the group date and the girls then get their shoes on, still in their bikinis, and walk down the streets of downtown LA. #mortifying.
They reach their destination and it’s set up for some good ol’ country tractor races.
The girl’s get super competitive only to find out they go about 5 MPH, which I think was a huge letdown for us all. I would have loved to see these ladies ramming each other over.
Side-note, doesn’t Ashley I. remind you of J-Lo? Like, the old J-Lo?
Which is why she is now Ashley from the Block.
Fast-forward back to the house and this is where we learn about Juelia’s past. And it’s tragic. And it hurts me to hear her talk about it. So much so that I can’t even bring myself to repeat it.
Fast-forward back to the group date and Chris decides to finish the night with a one-on-one date with MacKenzie and the other girls aren’t livid, but they’re discouraged.
The two go to a bar and this is where MacKenzie uses her precious one-on-one time with Chris to first comment on how she loves big noses, especially his, which is awkward. MacKenzie is now MacNosie.
She then asks if he believes in aliens.
MacNosie then reveals to Chris that she hasn’t been on a date for a while (shocker!) due to the fact that she has a kid. A one year-old to be precise. She also disclaims that she worked right up until she had her baby and flexes her muscles.
Sorry to break it to ya, sista, but so have millions of other women.
Fast-forward to the first one-on-one date and Megan is the lucky lady. They take a limo to the airport, and on the way she presses his hand into her boobies.
They fly all over the grand canyon and having not been there myself I do think this would be pretty amazing. They land and while talking this is when she tells Chris that she almost didn’t come on the show because her dad had just passed of a heart attack and I just cry while listening to her speak. I genuinely think she is a sweet person and she just rose a notch or three on my ladder. #shegottherose
Fast-forward to the next group date and these ladies pull up into a very creepy lot of land (what else would you call it? Haha, that’s all I got) and before they even exit the limo, these freaky zombie creatures are looking in the window genuinely scaring the shit out of these ladies.
And half of me is also scared shitless watching this go down, and the other half does the Chandler Chuckle. Did I just make that up?
While almost every girl is scared for their life, Ashley S. is tring to open the door to get out. #insanestatus
They learn they are going to be shooting zombies as if they were in a video game and while this seems absolutely terrifying, 10% of me kind-of thinks this could be a little fun. A little.
And let me just start out this next little blurb in saying that Ashley S. was definitely under the influence of…. something. Probably not alcohol or these girls would be commenting on how wasted she is, but she is just not normal. She either got wacked really hard in the head, or she is on something.
For instance, as they are making their way through the maze of zombies, screams galore, this crazy walks straight through the puff of smoky zombiness as if she has found her calling.
She also repeatedly shoots the dead zombies, point-blank, with her massive paintball gun and if I were one of them I would have gotten up and said, “Enough, bitch! That hurts!” because she was just taking it too far.
And as Kaitlyn is describing this to the camera, we notice that she totally reminds us of Miley Cyrus. Focus on the mouth.
A light bulb just went off, didn’t it?
Which is why she is now Kaitlin Mileymouth
Fast-forward back at the mansion and Jordan decides drunk twerking is a good idea. And not going to lie, while I was watching this go down, I almost got the urge to get up, go to my nearest wall and see if I could do it. I really am not so sure I could! In fact, I am almost certain. #Ididnttry #ordidI?
Anyway, she’s also so drunk that she starts bad-mouthing one of the other girls telling ALL OF AMERICA how hairy Jillian’s ass is. And I immediately feel HORRIBLE for Jillian. Can you even imagine? I mean she gives DETAILS!
Fast-forward back to the date and I just can’t figure Ashley S. out. She is talking gibberish and reminds me of my two-year-old. And I am starting to find myself angry with her. Is she real? I can’t decide. Because she keeps asking if she’s at Mesa Verde (which I had to look up) and then she’s on the ground trying to lure in a cat. Is there a diagnosis for that?
Chris let’s Britt know he’s thinking about her and gives her a little card and then gives the group date rose to Kaitlyn #Becausemakessense which super bums out Britt and I want to give her a wake-up slap with the card she just got from Chris.
Fast-forward to the cocktail party and Ashley from the Block reveals to a couple of girls that she’s a virgin. Not only is she a virgin, but she’s also never had a boyfriend. And this is a red-flag. Why. WHY has she never had a boyfriend?
Ashley from the Block tells the camera that she hopes she loses her virginity to Chris and that once he knows she’s a virgin itll tell him that she will be a good time for the rest of his life. Except it doesn’t tell him that at all. #Soooooo
Ashley from the Block gets her alone-time with Chris and a super awkward moment occurs right off the bat. She points out her belly button ring to Chris and that because it is a lamp (like magic genie lamp, not the plug-in kind) that she is allowing him three wishes.
And after he tells her his first wish is to kiss her, she makes it even MORE awkward by telling him that he needs to “rub it… firrrrst.”
So he does.
And to make all his wishes come true she vacuum sucks the hell out of his face.
Which makes Britt cry.
And then, right after, Amber is talking to Chris and ASKS to kiss him. She just wanted to join the club, really, and in turn looks-a-fool.
Even more desperate, though, is Jordan’s performance right after. She hunts him down, plastered, and then she awkward-stares him for a little bit before telling him she was going to go in for the kill, but she chickened out. And he nervous man-giggles his way up and outta there.
Fast-forward to the rose ceremony where one of the most awkward bachelor moments of all-time occurs. When Chris calls out Juelia’s name, Jillian walks forward thinking she heard her own, and when he corrects her and she realizes what is going on, she eats it. A total double whammy.
And their reactions are priceless.
But even more awkward is the dolphin laugh that comes out of her mouth as she picks herself up off the ground. I seriously have never heard anything like it before!
The only real note-worthy thing that also happened during this portion is that he gave the last rose to Ashley S. #noclue
He also sent home Kimberly, the girl who asked for a second chance last time. #ouch
Afterward, Tara is all tears and saying things like she will get used to rejection one day and that she is used to being along and I want to be her friend! Tara! Call me! I will find you a man! Heck, you can go out with my hubby! But please don’t cry like that it’s breaking my heart!
And that’s a wrap!
Do you have a front-runner so far?
Thanks for hanging in there and going on this journey with me!