The episode starts off with everyone in Connecticut because…. Why? What’s in Connecticut? ABC must be running out of money.
The guys start off with a group bath (is this what men do when they get together?) and then the date card arrives and it goes to Dylan.
They take a train ride and Dylan is stewing about when the right time to tell Andi about his past is. They are on a date in his home turf and it is evident that it is painful. So they just do a lot of staring.
After that awkward encounter they regroup and have dinner on the train. I can’t help but focus on his bang curl.
He opens up to Andi and I cry. He explains that he lost his sister to drugs, and then not too long after, his brother to the same thing. In fact, it is all still very recent. His story is so incredibly sad. Andi listens and then does a good job with explaining that she isn’t giving him a pity rose, but giving him a rose because of how open he was with her. Though… pity rose.
Fast-forward to the group date and the guys are playing basketball against some women’s WNBA players and they are getting SMOKED. These women are making these men look like little baby fetuses.
This girl didn’t even jump and she schooled this little boy. Sorry, I Kiss My Own Muscles Cody, but you can now go cry in the corner.
They then split up the men and make them play against one another.
And I know this is going to get good.
Black-eyed Brian takes control of his team since he is a basketball coach and they all listen.
They’re all taking this very seriously as the winning team gets more time with Andi, and business gets serious.
It’s half-time and it is tied…. 6 to 6! THAT IS IT!!! These alpha-males racked up a whopping six points per team and are as sweaty as ever.
They play and play, and the Black Eyed Peas- that would be Black-Eyed Brian’s team, because he is CARRYING those little peas around in his pod, take the cake.
The losers go into the locker room and cry, especially Josh Cubin. He claims he absolutely hates losing and duh… who LIKES losing?!
The winning team gets to spend the rest of the night with Andi and Black-Eyed Brian gets some one-on-one time with her on the court and she is WAY turned on by his skills. She basically guarantees him a make-out session if he makes a half-court shot, and when he does she wants to jump all over him but he does NOT catch on.
He’s just flat-out clueless. She’s basically puckering up and he walks away.
And because she is so turned on, he gets the group date rose.
Baby Boy Marcus gets the next one-on-one, and they are repelling off a thirty-story building. Marcus gets this date because on his application he most likely stated that he is petrified of heights so ABC thought it would be a good idea to make him cry.
It happens to also be incredibly windy, making it even more nerve-wracking.
Baby Boy Marcus, terrified, decides to man-up and calm her nerves by instructing her what she needs to do next, and then gets her mind off it by asking about her mom. Beecause these men seem very interested in Andi’s mom for some reason.
Andi and Baby Boy Marcus have dinner and he reveals he hasn’t dated in 3.5 years because he was left in the dust by his ex. Andi claims he is the total package and tells the camera that there isn’t anything wrong with this guy. So now I want there to be something wrong with this guy.
Oh wait. This might be it. Is it common to unbutton one’s shirt low enough to reveal the nice puff of chest hair?
Want to know a fun fact? Baby Boy Marcus has actually “liked” my past two bachelorette recap photos on Instagram. So I wonder…. Baby Boy Marcus…. are you reading this??? Hmmmm?? Are you???
Back to recapping… they dance to another unknown band and I want to vomit a little bit. OVER the concerts.
BUT THEN Baby Boy Marcus tells Andi that he is falling in love with her….
All I can say is… interesting. IIIiinnnteresting. You’ve known her for, what? Two weeks? I’m not judging…It can happen. Interesting…
Fast-forward and Andi receives a little love note from a secret admirer, and she doesn’t know who it is from, but she likes it.
Fast-forward to the cocktail party and Andi starts out by saying how good she feels about this process and how amazing it all is.
Black-Eyed Brian then pulls Andi aside and makes up for the awkwardness from the night before and he plants one on her. She says he is a great kisser.
Marquel’s outfit is an eye-opener again with his MISSING socks, and I just know he’s got blisters going on. Is he suffering the equivalent to a woman in heels all for fashion?
In that case, go Marquel.
And then business goes down.
Eric the Explorer pulls Andi aside and calls her out. He says that he thinks she hasn’t been completely real during this process and that he wants to see the real Andi more often. He says that HE has been the one opening up to her this whole time and that SHE is the one holding back. In fact, he goes so far as to even call her a TV actress.
And she flips out. Like, she wants to throat chop him.
And I THINK his intentions were good, but some wrong terms came out, sending her off the edge, and it goes very south. She continuously uses the term “poker face,” though I never heard him use the term poker face, and then she asks him to leave. He doesn’t argue and does so stating how it came off wrong. I think she was just tired. A little drunk. And maybe hangry, too.
And I just can’t handle that these were their LAST words together.
Thankfully, ABC skips the rose ceremony and instead does an interview with Andi about Eric. It’s still a little awkward, but they do their best.
When asked if she would do anything differently with her last encounter with Eric, Andi does basically say she wishes she could do it over because they don’t get the chance to clear things up during the Men Tell All episode.
And that’s where it all ends.
Are you okay?
If you made it to the end, I commend you.
That is impressive.
Thanks for stopping by!