Here we are, guys! The LAST recap of the season! (Thank goodness…The Pabs is not my fave.)
The episode begins with JuanPabs in Saint Lucia where the final two women will meet his family.
Clingy Clare is the first one to meet the fam and she is greeted by The Pabs on her way out of the van with a plethora of kisses. She meets the family and starts up her weird mouth gestures because I don’t know why. It is during this first scene that I can’t take it anymore and wonder how someone can have such an active tongue during what should be normal interactions.
And I ponder how I would be perceived if I went around doing the same… (side note- I had WAY too much fun with this.) (Extra side note- The Hubby is probably officially embarrassed of me.)
They sit down to eat RIBS and I couldn’t imagine a worse meal to eat when meeting someone’s family. Think meat in the teeth, sauce on the blouse, and finger licking goodness.
Oh, that’s just me?
Clingy Clare then sits down with MommaPabs and it couldn’t be more obvious that MommaPabs is trying to warn Clingy Clare to get the hell out of dodge. Clingy Clare asks, “Is there anything personality-wise that I should know that he would never tell me?” And MommaPabs replies, “He’s hyperactive. Super hyperactive…” and I can’t help but think… Yeah, with women!
And this should have been hint #1 to Clingy Clare that this guy is not the right one. Like, for anyone.
MommaPabs then asks, “What do you feel about your communication with Juan Pablo?” Clingy Clare claims that she loves it (WTF?) and goes on to describe their “disagreement” in Vietnam and that he is “honest” and then MommaPabs interrupts with, “Sometimes he is very rude.”
Then Clingy Clare goes on to say that during their disagreement he made her cry and MommaPabs says he does that to her, too! The man makes MommaPabs cry!
BIG FAT HINT #3!!!
Clingy Clare then goes on to talk with the smiley cousin, I shall call him “Teeth.”
He asks, “Something that happens with Juan Pablo sometimes, Clare, is that when things get rough in a relationship and he is willing to walk away, are you able to hold onto the relationship, or are you one of the persons that you walked away at the first signs of problems?”
Clingy Clare then talks with PoppaPablo and he is SO NICE! While holding her hand he basically says he accepts her, and her whole (whacko) family, into theirs.
As Clingy Clare says goodbye she does more awkward mouth gestures… Like in this picture? This was after a kiss… she was just holding this pose for a good five seconds…
Fast-forward to Icky Nikki meeting The Pabs’ family (she met them briefly on a date a while ago but didn’t talk to them much) and Icky Nikki has the side pony going on and I will bet money on it that the humidity is NOT serving her well there and this was her best option. It still looks good, I just have the same sort of issues goin’ on and can relate. That’s all.
Icky Nikki jumps into talking with PapaPablo and hint #5 comes roarin’ in hot. PapaPablo says, “It’s difficult to establish a relationship like this [meaning a single dad] but let me tell you something, he’s not an easy guy. I’m telling you, he’s vocalized in what he wants. He is always very specific in what he wants.”
And at this, she giggles.
SIRENS SHOULD BE GOING OFF, HERE!
Icky Nikki then talks with MommaPabs and she asks her, “How would you imagine a weekend with JuanPablo?” Icky Nikki replies, “I know that he has Camilla on the weekends, so we would go to the pool or beach during the day… and at night play games. Just have that loving family.”
And Momma jumps right in and says, “You want me to tell you how it”s going to be? Okay, Juan Pablo wake up, take in breakfast and stay home watching TV with the family, or with Camilla, watching TV with you if you are the one. That’s it.”
She THEN says, “You feel like he’s the kind of guy you want?” in which Icky Nikki quickly replies “Mmm hmm” (meaning yes) MommaPabs gives her a blank stare which to me said, “You are so dumb.”
HUH-LOW!!!!! My eyes would be bulging out of my head and I think there’d be a trail of smoke behind me!
HEEEEEYOOOOGE BIG FAT MAMBO HINT #6!
She then says her son is “charismatic, but not easy.”
Icky Nikki then goes on to speak with Teeth, and he asks, ” I want to know, and there’s a reason I am asking you this, but I want to know how, how much, you know like fighting and all that, because relationships, they have a lot of that… can you take? Because Juan Pablo, I mean I love the guy, he is a great, great guy, but when things are getting rough, he will walk away from the relationship.”
Teeth would be eating my dust, but Icky Nikki says that she thinks they would fight well together.
This even dumbfounds Teeth.
He just asked how much FIGHTING YOU CAN TAKE!!! Do you get what that means?!?! I’m sorry, but your name is now Nikki the Idiot.
Nikki the Idiot then says to the camera that she is more confident now that this is the guy for her and that in a few days from now he will be on one knee proposing. And she is EXCITED ABOUT IT!
What HAPPENED to these girls?!
Fast-forward to the final dates and Clingy Clare is up first. They go on a, you know, typical helicopter ride overlooking the island and as soon as the helicopter lands we hear Clingy Clare’s voice and she says that when the helicopter was landing JuanPabs leaned in and whispered something to her when there were no cameras or audio around. And what she thought was going to be sweet, kind, loving words was not what came out of his mouth and that she is shocked. She goes on to say what he said is something no woman wants to hear. That he really doesn’t know her and it was some sexual thing she doesn’t want to repeat, but that it was insulting, offensive and it made her feel awful.
WHAT?!?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!?!?! I want to know, word for word!!!
Clingy Clare contemplates her feelings for him and says that if there isn’t more than a physical connection then she’s out of there. And we all shout, “GO (Clingy) CLARE!” Finally, you came to your senses!”
Fast-foward back to Clingy Clare’s hotel room where The Pabs comes for a visit and like usual he compliments the way she looks first. Clingy Clare just starts walking forward leaving The Pabs alone with puckered lips. He asks again for “Un basito” and she just says that she wants to talk to him. She tries to bring up what he said in the helicopter and he plays dumb.
She tries to dance around his exact words and SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW, The Pabs lures Cling Clare back in trying to make what he said “okay.” She falls for his face-touching Playa-Pabs moves and she is right back cuddled in his arms as they lip-bite and tongue barf all over each other.
Ha. Wait. Maybe it’s not her fault. Maybe she just has an overly fat tongue and it’s difficult for her to hold it in. That’s GOT to be it.
Fast-forward to the final date with Nikki the Idiot and she shows up in a bikini. The girl is confident. I mean, she has every reason to be, but yeah. And then WOW! I notice Nikki the Idiot’s boobs. They’ve never been that big before, have they?
They go yachting and then land on a little island and chat. This chat went something like this.
Nikki the Idiot: “What’s going to happen after this when we don’t have private islands anymore?
The Pabs: I will have a bed, TV, and we watch whatever. Movies, sports. I will have my office, and watch some baseball too. I will be doing that by myself probably.
Nikki the Idiot: “Not all the time by yourself.”
Hint #10- This is your future…. he’s not hiding anything, thus your name is still Nikki the Idiot.
Nikki the Idiot revels in the fact that he hasn’t said he loves her but that she has openly stated she loves him and that she wishes he would admit the same.
Fast-forward to that night and JuanPabs meets Nikki the Idiot in her room and she looks bomb.com. Gorgeous dress, fabulous hair, an she pulls out all of the stops by giving him a framed picture of the two of them and a letter, signing it with “I love you, Nikki.” And in response to that The Pabs says “Thank you” and kisses her face all around as she sits there with a look of utter annoyance.
He tells her to “sleep” and then says he is going to take all of his “stuff” and leaves. Nikki the Idiot sits on the couch and cries and I feel bad for her. But she’s still Nikki the Idiot.
I also wonder if she is allowed to leave the room. Or does she have to sit there and cry on camera? Hum.. That sucks.
Fast-forward to the day of the final rose ceremony and Clingy Clare is the first one to arrive. She is greeted by The Pabs and he starts out by letting out a heavy sigh before asking how she is. She says she is nervous, and he says he is too. They have some long silent moments before Clingy Clare opens her mouth and gives a long speech about wanting to bolt but believing in him and as she goes on and on I am thinking, “Why is she giving this love speech?” This is not how it is supposed to work!
The Pabs then starts his speech and says, “I wish the Earth suck me today because this is the hardest decision ever.”
Hint #11– He wants the Earth to suck him.
He then tells her he is going to say goodbye to her and leans in for the pity hug.
She doesn’t skip a beat and starts to lay into him. She doesn’t cry. She doesn’t look like she’s in absolute shock. She just gives it to him saying she lost respect for him and that she would never want her children having a father like him before she walks away.
The audience cheers loudly and I once again have (a little) more respect for Clingy Clare than I started with.
The Pabs, in true nature form, says “Whew! I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
Hint #12- He’s an ass.
WHAT A PIG! A HOG! Clingy Clare! You lucked out, girl!!!
In an interview to the camera, Clingy Clare then shockingly reveals what The Pabs said in that helicopter, and I feel guilty for even repeating it!!! It was THAT mouth-dropping!
But, I will.
While angry and crying she is talking about all of the things he said to her and she then spits out, “Don’t tell me you loved f****** me!” and the whole room gasped in horror!
We re-winded about four times to make sure we heard right and yep… that IS what she said.
Side note- a friend of mine Googled what she said and apparently in the helicopter she asked him to tell her he loves her and he replied with “I loved f****** you, but I don’t know you.”
GAAAAAAAAAAASP! SO I WAS RIGHT!!! That ocean scandal was REAL! EEw.
Fast-forward to Nikki the Idiot’s turn up against The Pabs and we see him playing with an engagement ring while she walks up from the boat. And daaaaaaaaaayum! Nikki the Idiot has got one ginormous slit in that dress and is rocking it. As she is walking up we hear her say she is ready for him to tell her all of the things he hasn’t been able to and for him to be down on one knee asking her to be his wife.
And as she continues to walk, I see the boobs I THOUGHT she had and immediately think I need to get that bikini!
As soon as The Pabs greets her he stands in silence staring at her and she does the same thing Clingy Clare did. She goes on and on with her love speech. And once again, a “THANK YOU” is how he replies. He goes on to tell her some things he likes about her, but that he has a ring in his pocket and is not going to use it. That he is not 100% sure. Instead, he offers her the final rose and she is surprisingly fine with this. Or pretends to be.
He doesn’t tell her he loves her. He doesn’t say he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. And she giggles. This girl. There are no words.
Except, Hint #12
End of Show.
Fast-forward to the After the Final Rose Ceremony and they bring Clingy Clare out. She states she should have left when her gut told her to and that she has nothing more to say to The Pabs and she doesn’t want to speak to him. She said her peace before she left and feels good leaving it at that.
YOU. GO. GIRL!
The Pabs then comes out and he is an ASS! As he and Chris Harrison are chatting he cuts Chris off acting insulted that HE was cut off first by Chris and says, “Can I talk?” and it gets awkward real fast. He said he had no regrets on the show and that “it is what it is.”
Nikki the Idiot is then brought out alone and she again confirms she is in love and says she doesn’t know if he loves her. As in, he has yet to tell her that he loves her. After four months.
Hint #13- He’s just not that into you.
The Pabs and Nikki the Idiot are then brought out together and as The Pabs is rude and awkward, Nikki the Idiot sits by his side trying to look supportive… because that’s just embarrassing… And during this time I am so over it all now. I’m sorry but the guy is LAAAAAAAME and I can’t watch anymore.
He is not going to say he loves her. She’s okay with that and smiles. America hates The Pabs.
Wow, so that is IT! A whole season of recaps. I have never done that before. Are you glad it’s over?
I mentioned before that I had a Final Rose Bachelor Finale Party, and tomorrow I am going to share with you the details of that. By far, the best part of the season for me!
Thanks for sticking this through and for stopping by!