Motion in the Ocean-The Bachelor Recap 5

The episode starts out with the girls exploring their new pad in Vietnam. Kat decides to pull a Kate Winslet in Titanic and I want to remind her that her  name is Kat, not Kate. That’s been done.


The first one-on-one date card is given and Sweet Mama Renee finally gets her time with The Pabs.

I am NERVOUS for her! I want her to go far, keep her cool and not push the kiss so much.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

This show is great at foreshadowing THE OPPOSITE for what you hope happens and Sweet Mama Renee right off the bat says that she hopes their date continues their relationship and ends with a kiss.

They start out by going to get a custom-tailored dress for Sweet Mama Renee. While getting measured she is sweating bullets, so JuanPabs runs across the street to buy a fan and you can see that his shirt is wet from sweat.



They then go shopping for their kids which sends Sweet Mama Renee over the edge. She says, “It definitely melts my heart that Juan Pablo is buying Ben gifts and he is buying ME gifts. It’s something that I have never had before.”

And I can’t help but think… you know they GIVE The Pabs money for these dates, don’t you?

She keeps talking about how perfect The Pabs is and I am just anticipating heartache. Please don’t let there be heartache!

Ultimately, The Pabs gives Renee a rose (whew!!!), but no kiss because he says  her son is old enough to watch the show and know what is going on.

And then I think, isn’t Camilla old enough to watch the show and know that you have already kissed about twenty women?


Fast-forward to the group date and the girls are going “boating” in these little salad bowls. Everyone pairs up and because no one likes Clingy Clare, she is left to boat with JuanPabs and the Glares for Clare begin.


JuanPabs and Clingy Clare’s boat gets caught in the bushes, so J-Pabs thinks this is a prime time to lock lips with Clingy Clare, royally pissing the other girls off.


After boating, the group then “wanders” into the home of a traditional Vietnamese family who invites them to come in and eat. And the whole time I am just rolling my eyes.

Really? This family just HAPPENED  to understand that The Pabs was asking to come in and eat and this family just HAPPENED to have a big enough table for everyone and this family just HAPPENED to have enough little hats for every girl and this family just HAPPENED to be willing to give away all their food?



Just, no.

Of course it was set up.

They pick food and they eat it. Meanwhile, Clingy Clare sits next to JuanPabs and, of course, receives Glares for Clare along the way.


Fast-forward to the cocktail hour and The Pabs asks to spend time with Clingy Clare first. And you guessed it, more Glares for Clare. He takes her to his suite and somehow she has her bikini ready and they straddle each other in the pool. Make-out, straddling. Like, I am embarrassed to watch.


He then spends time with the other woman and DAAAAYAM I am once again impressed with Sharleen’s dress. And I wonder what kind of bra she wears with all of these dresses. Because whatever it is seems to be working and I want one.


Sharleen then says she wants The Pabs to look at her “like a panda in a room full of brown bears…”


Was that a little racist? Am I racist for thinking that was a little racist? I”m not racist. Why did she have to pick a panda?

He then makes out with Sharleen and I secretly HOPE mono is being spread around, because that would just be awesome to watch.

He then spends time with Andi and yep, makes out with her, too. Do you think they can taste each other’s lip gloss?

Clingy Clare then gets the group date rose.  Of course she does.

AND THEN (dun dun dunnnnnn….) the girls go home and Clingy Clare sneaks out of their house and goes over to The Pabs’ Pad to ask JuanPabs if he would like to go swimming in the warm ocean water.

He jumps at the opportunity and once again they are in their suits in seconds, running for the ocean below.

As we see pictures of them making out (and more)  in the ocean I can’t help but wonder…….”Are they…..” “Did they just….” “Did that just happen?!”

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While we watch, in an interview Clingy Clare then says, “I just want to have that special moment together, so I am just going to let go of all my fear and let myself be vulnerable. We just went for it, and I don’t regret it. Pure bliss. In every way,” with the biggest grin on her face.

And my mouth drops as I am almost positive…

But then I think about the logistics of that and it seems very difficult…Big waves, water resistance, salt in various places…

Now, I am just speculating here, but….

She goes on to say, “Hands down one of the best nights of my entire life…” and has this look on her face…



So that ends their night.

The next day JuanPabs has a one-on-one date with Icky Nikki and I will start by saying that I loved her outfit and kind-of want to try the whole forehead headband thing.

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Anyway, for their date they are going to repel down into a cave named “Hell Cave.” And she wants to crap her pants.



She  ultimately says she will do it because she trusts him.

And I get bitter. DO NOT TRUST HIM!!!

Not only because of the Motion in the Ocean Scandal, but because he’s never done this before! You should NOT trust him!!!

Icky Nikki is so scared and because I just do not find this activity scary, I feel no pity for her.

About half-way down she begins to panic and to calm her down he kisses her. And I think, “If only you knew what he did the night before….”

They make it to the bottom, kiss some more and explore the cave.


Fast-forward to the evening and Icky Nikki becomes Nice Nikki, saying all the right things, once again. It was like from a script. And I just shook my head.

He, of course, gives her a rose and the date ends.

Fast-forward to the night of the rose ceremony and JuanPabs informs the girls that he has to send home three girls that night which makes the mood very somber. To break the awkward silence, JuanPabs suggests that he makes a toast, and instead ClingClare jumps in with a toast of her own:

And I quote…

“Cheers to finding love, being loved and making love.”

I kid you not.


After that scandelousness, JuanPabs takes Andi aside and takes her worries away by planting kisses on her. He then FINALLY gives Sweet Mama Renee what she’s been wanting for weeks. A long, passionate kiss.


And while I am happy for Sweet Mama Renee, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I just wish those girls KNEW what was happening when they’re not around.

And THEN. JuanPabs has a moment where he feels regret. Says he thinks he “made a mistake the other night taking it too far with Clare.”

And instead of owning up to his actions, puts all the blame on Clingy Clare. She sits down next to him all giddy giddy gumdrop wanting to reminisce and he starts talking about not being “fair” to the other girls.

And then he plays the “daughter” card on her, saying he wouldn’t want his daughter to see what happened.

Clingy Clare starts crying and it just seems like she wouldn’t be THAT upset if all they did was frolic in the ocean. Don’t you think? Am I wrong here?


She then says, “I knew when we were in the ocean that it was a  mutual feeling. There was no mis-communication, there was no misunderstanding. He was on board with everything.”

She cries some more and blames it on allergies and tells him he should have said “no” if he didn’t want to and that she would have respected that. (Side note, my camera took some lopsided photos, but I kept them anyway because I thought they added “character.)


And then in my mind I fast-forward to the moment when he possibly sends Clingy Clare home (if she’s not “the one” ) and wonder how she will react.

Will she go berserk and scream at America about how The Pabs used and abused her in the ocean? Can you see the headlines?

OK. Here is my guess, right now.

Whoever he ends up with has already broken up with him after seeing the shenanigans that went on during the show and they’re not even together during finale. Unless it’s Clingy Clare.

Alright, fast-forward to the rose ceremony and Danielle, (who?!) Alli (who?!) and Kelly go home and I can honestly say that I am sad to see Kelly go. She is funny!!!

JuanPabs cries more than all three girls who went home combined and I just can’t piece it all together.


Answers! I want answers!

The end.

So, what do you think? What’s going on with Clingy Clare and The Pabs?

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