The episode starts out in Icky Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, Missouri.
All I notice is her fingerless pleather gloves before she takes him to a gas station BBQ joint. And I can’t help but wonder what the point of those gloves are? Warm palms, cold fingers..
They scarf ribs and fries and this is when I notice Icky Nikki’s rock. The one that unmarried girls sometimes wear but on their middle finger to either send subliminal messages or showcase wealth because that thing isn’t small. Hmmm, maybe her gloves weren’t pleather…
They then decide bull-riding is a good idea. And I mean the kind that drunk girls do in sleazy bars. Apparently it’s a favorite past-time of Icky Nikki’s and The Pabs gets down with that action, too.
After bull-riding Icky Nikki contemplates telling The Pabs that she loves him but ultimately decides against it as it wasn’t the right time. Beer and BBQ breath just never seems to be the right time.
They then go to Icky Nikki’s house to meet her parents and HOLY CRAP! It’s a freaking mansion! Uber mansion! Like, it’s a resort lodge up in there! Definitely not pleather gloves.
They have a normal dinner (of probably blue cheese steaks, lobster bisque and homemade croissants made by one of their eight personal chefs) and then Icky Nikki goes to talk with her mom. She reveals that she loves The Pabs to her mom and she seems skeptical of it all but says she supports her daughter no matter what.
The Pabs then sits down with her father and the father basically said he would accept him into the family and that he felt like The Pabs is being honest with his feelings toward Icky Nikki. But what The Pabs fails to mention was the motion in the ocean he previously experienced with Clingy Clare. Why don’t you bring that one up to your new BFF and see who is still smiling, Pabs?!
A little bit of a snooze. Icky Nikki’s dad also showers her with compliments before giving her his blessing and then they make out on the porch of her parent’s house.
She tries to spit out that she loves him but can’t get the words out and he leaves. End of scene.
Up next is the hometown date with Andi and she takes him to a gun range. She takes aim first and nails a bulleseye on the first shot. This seems to be a little foreshadowing action for what is to come if The Pabs breaks her heart.
The Pabs talks about how hot that was and then takes the reigns. He shoots, shoots, and shoots and hardly hits the entire piece of paper while G.I. Andi brings out the big gun.
And his little manhood just shrivels up into his neck.
It looks like this date is about to turn sour and then he FINALLY hits a bulls-eye, lightening the mood.
They then go to G.I. Andi’s parent’s house and begin talking with her family. Her dad has a sour-puss look on his face the entire time, understandably, and just thinks they are too attractive people infatuated with one another.
The dad then takes The Pabs aside and they have an awkward encounter. The dad basically says that he won’t give his blessing until G.I. Andi is the only one and he isn’t dating three other women at the same time.
G.I. Andi then talks to her sister and reveals she’s not yet in love with him but is close and the sister says she feels luke-warm about him.
G.I. Andi’s dad just repeats to G.I. Andi about how he is dating three other people and she defends her stance to him as he sits there and nods his head.
G.I. Andi tells us she is really close to loving The Pabs and everyone parts ways, end of scene.
Next up is Sweet Mama Renee in their mutual hometown of Miami. Sweet Mama Renee takes The Pabs to her son’s baseball game and when she sees him for the first time since being away I cry. I get the lump-in-my-throat and just cry.
They watch her son’s baseball game and The Pabs talks about how he has always wanted a son to play sports with and I decide I want Sweet mama Renee to take the cake.
They then go to Sweet Mama Renee’s parents’ house and The Pabs does his rounds with the family members and all seems to go fine. It’s sortof blah blah blah. They all liked him, say he’s nice and the dad is a nice old gentle soul. Yawn.
Sweet Mama Renee walks The Pabs outside and has full intentions of telling him how she loves him but can’t spit it out and as soon as he leaves she immediately regrets not telling him and I pray to the bachelor gods that she please get the chance to tell him because I love me some Sweet Mama Renee.
The Pabs cradles her face, rubs her ear for good luck and they part ways
Last up is the hometown date with Clingy Clare in her hometown of Sacramento. She starts the date out in a rose garden that she loved as a child. They sit on a bench and talk about her deceased father. She shares a story about her dad that makes me cry. Damn you, Clare, I am supposed to not like you.
She shares how a week before her dad died she was talking with him and he told her to ask him any questions she wanted. Anything at all. She asks who she is going to dance with during the father-daughter dance at her wedding. His answer was, why wait? Pick a song and let’s dance. So she picked one and they danced. And I cried.
The Pabs feels close to her for sharing such personal stories. They then go to meet her family and we meet Clingy Clare’s gaggle of sisters. And let me just say the obvious; The Pabs had better take a long look at Clingy Clare’s future because there is a big difference between Clingy Clare and the gaggle. Surgery can only last so long! Just sayin’.
Clingy Clare tells one sister she would marry him in a heartbeat, and The Pabs wins the heart of two others.
Clingy Clare then sits down with her mom and one of the scarier looking sisters and it gets SUPER weird.
Scary Sister stands in front of Clingy Clare and tells her that she’s not going to let her manipulate “Muh-muh.”
The mom doesn’t say more than three words and Scary Sister speaks on her behalf. Clingy Clare keeps trying to talk to “Muh- muh” about her blessing if she were the final candidate and each time Scary Sister steps in saying she is being a manipulator. And I want to punch Scary Sister and oh my am I rooting for Clingy Clare?!
What is happening here?
The Pabs then wants to talk to Muh-muh and Scary Sister jumps in on the convo too, pissing off Clingy Clare. The Pabs tells her to chill and he speaks with the two.
Scary Sister then leaves and Muh-muh gives her total blessing to The Pabs.
Clingy Clare walks The Pabs out, they do some moan kissing and he leaves.
Fast-forward to the rose ceremony and I am honestly not sure who is going home. A deep little part of me is thinking Sweet Mama Renee and I immediately feel sad.
And then the final rose is handed out and he calls G.I. Andi’s name and I say, along with what I think to be most of Bachelor-watching America, “Noooooooooooooo!!!!” as I watch poor Sweet Mama Renee say her goodbyes. The Pabs is, as expected, in full-blown tear mode.
Somehow, Sweet Mama Renee remains wonderful and is basically calming him down.
And ugh, she still says wonderful things in the limo as she is being driven away about how The Pabs has shown her that there are men out there who love baby mamas and that one day she will find one for she and Ben.
Sweet Mama Renee, you and Ben can come and join our family. Come on over, you two can have the whole basement and I will cook you pancakes ,rub your face and we can talk.
Tonight is ANOTHER episode of The Bach that seems to be DRAMA-packed, so I just had to get this recap in before tonight. What do you think is going to happen?
Thanks for stopping by!