The episode starts out in New Zealand and right away I notice how “put together” all of the girls are from head-to-toe and I just can’t even imagine packing for such a thing. How do you pack for something where you don’t know what you’ll be doing or where you will be going? And I never ever see anyone in the same thing twice….Not even the same bikini. I mean there are rose ceremonies, beach attire, every-day wear, workout attire, snow attire, evening wear, and then they accessorize everything. Ugh. And the shoes?! Sounds exhausting. Do you think they just go to all of their friends and demand their best outfits? That’s what I’d do.
The first one-on-one date card arrives and it goes to Andi, the last girl to receive a one-on-one. They start out by going on a very fast boat ride and the wind is not flattering. On either of them. And the whole time I wish Andi had a hair-tie, too. Because I am imagining very knotty hair after that ride.
The driver then stops the boat and informs them that they need to get out in waist-deep water. They start walking through the murky waters and a part of me is all “Hail no.” But then the other part knows ABC wouldn’t let anything happen so it’s probably no big deal. Except how can they really prevent snakes and other unknown vermin in that murky water? (Shudder) They squeeze through little crevices and I now realize why he didn’t choose a busty woman for this date.
Again, the “I trust Juan Pablo” comes out and I want to throat chop her. She claims feeling “taken care of” by The Pabs and I think about how this is not what I would consider being taken care of. She’s just asking for a leech to the ankle, here. He then takes her under a waterfall and instead of complete romance like you would imagine, she almost drowns under the pressure of the water.
JuanPabs forgets ALL about the shame he gave Clingy Clare last episode about frolicking in water and hoists ol’ Andi up for a little totally-okay-if-my-daughter-sees-this make-out session.
That night they sit down to have dinner in front of a geyser and Andi looks around and says “It’s like a fantasy land. I am in New Zealand in front of a huge geyser kissing a guy that I am starting to really like and that I had a great day with. There’s something kind-of magical about it.”
And then the geyser goes off. And keeps going off. And then soaks them. Andi talks about how it’s not ideal. It completely ruined their dinner. And that she is soaking wet. They move locations and then she says that she doesn’t care about the dinner but just having the time with JuanPabs….Except she just complained for a good two minutes about it all so……
She then says some BS about all she wants in life is to have “that great love.” That even if she didn’t have anything else in life like a job or nice things that she would be okay as long as she had love.
Riiiiiiight. Jobless leads to homeless, hungry and downright miserable. No more Hunter boots or ombre hair, sweetie. But you have LOVE so it’s all okay!
The Pabs buys in and whips out a rose and that is that.
Fast-forward to the group date and Cassandra lets us know that it is her 22nd birthday. Remember this.
They sit down for a pretty boring picnic before they go rolling down hills in these gigantic balls and I get all excited because I just think this would be SOOOO fun! Except not on national TV because they’re just being flopped around in their bikinis, and that’s not fun. At all.
Icky Nikki manages to kiss The Pabs while they’re going down and that just seems weird.
And then one of the girls exiting a ball reminds me of my birth with Cal, spitting her out to the floor. Cal didn’t hit the floor, but he did come flying out like that, fluid and all, and had our doctor not had quick hands, I am certain he would have gone down similar to Sharleen, here.
The girls then go have their evening in a hobit house and we are again reminded that it is Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. Except The Pabs doesn’t seem to realize this.
The Pabs takes Renee aside first and makes out with her.
He then takes Nikki aside and and she tells him she is falling for him and check, he makes out with her, too.
Sharleen is up next and they say “hi” and then they make out. She then uses the word ‘inorganic” again and I start to hate her a little bit.
The girls have a little mini birthday party for Cassandra, since it is her birthday and all, while The Pabs is outside locking lips with other girls.
Cassandra is up next, though, and they talk, a lot, and do NOT make-out. This leads me to think she gone.
The Pabs hands out the group-date rose to Sharleen. Because he took the time to get to know her the best.
JuanPabs then takes Cassandra back outside, and the rest of the girls speculate that it’s to wish her a happy birthday, but we all know she gone.
He tells her “You are one of my special ones. You know that.” And while he is going on and on about how wonderful she is, he kicks her to the curb.
She cries in the car saying how she has “waited so long for something special.” You remember how she just turned twenty-two, right? She’s twenty-two and depressed she hasn’t found “the one.”
#Blah. #Blah. #Blah.
Fast-forward to the one-on-one date with Clingy Clare and they have a little picnic to hash out their problems. The Pabs explains to Clingy Clare that because she doesn’t have a kid she doesn’t understand what is appropriate and what isn’t (ahem, just straddled Andi and made out with three girls) and that their actions of swimming and making out in the ocean were not okay.
Clingy Clare claims to America that he apologized and made things better, and I must have blacked out for about ten minutes because nowhere in there did I hear an apology. Instead he blamed everything on her. But, she heard what she wanted to and they make out.
They then go back to The Pabs’ Pad and Clingy Clare tells The Pabs that she likes more casual fun and The Pabs comes back with his hammer pants in which he wants her to change into. She does, and he talks about how hot Clingy Clare makes him and then gives her the rose before they straddle each-other on the couch, making out. Totally daughter-watching appropriate.
I sort-of want to insert some profanity here, but I am refraining.
They then dance to the song they heard on their first date, and I like that. I like little things like that, though I know the producers set that up for him. And then I notice the “thing” Clingy Clare does after every time she kisses him. Have you ever noticed the “thing” before? It’s like a lingering pouty fish lip maneuver. And it drives me nuts.
Fast-forward to a little chat session between The Pabs and Chris Harrison and blah blah blah it’s just boring. We learn that The Pabs plans on proposing to someone, who he doesn’t know.
Fast-forward to the cocktail party and Icky Nikki secures her spot by having an incredibly annoying interaction with JuanPabs that goes something like this:
Him- “I like you. A lot.”
Her- “How much is a lot?”
Him- “More than a little.”
Her- “How much is a little? ”
Him- “A little is just like this-oochie coochie coo giggle giggle” and they make out.
Him-“Oh that is very good.”
Her “Very good, how much is very good? Giggle giggle coo coo” make out some more.
He then has time with Sweet Mama Renee and they talk about their kids before he once again, makes out with her.
It boils down to either Kat or Chelsea going home, and because of how Kat is talking, “If there is just one rose and it’s just Chelsea and I, I’m not going home” it leads me to believe, she gone.
Chelsea has her last plea with The Pabs and their interaction is as normal for this show as it can be.
And then Kat has her turn and she pulls out all the stops. She reveals that she was journaling last night (riiiiight) and then goes on to share some very sad stories about her dad during childhood, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Partly because of what she went through, partly because I think she’s just saying these things for pity so she doesn’t go home, and partly because I KNOW she is going home.
After her little chat she then says to the camera “I am feeling good going into this rose ceremony…tonight the roses are very meaningful. Having the conversation that we did tonight and sharing the things that I shared with him, I think it’s going to be Chelsea going home tonight.”
Yeah. You look stupid.
The rose ceremony happens and as expected, Icky Nikki gets the first rose, followed by Sweet Mama Renee, so it’s down to Catty Kat and Chelsea.
Yep. Catty Kat goes home and she does so with even more abandonment issues that she came with.
Then Sharleen leaves us hanging a little saying she feels “guilty” for being there and that it feels “wrong” while she cries. She then says she can see other girls here suiting him better as the screen flashes to Clingy Clare.
Is ABC trying to make us think Clingy Clare is going to be the final girl so that they can throw us all off?? What do you think?
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