A Whole Lotta Awkward- Bachelor Recap #3

Hello!

Here we are with week three’s recap of The Bachelor. It’s about to get awkward up in hee-ya!

Cassandra gets the first one-on-one date card. She’s the 21-year-old mama to an almost 2-year-old, just to refresh your brains.

JuanPabs introduces Cassandra to a pretty unique car in which she thinks they are going off-roading in.  They start driving along with the wind in their hair… when all of the sudden JuanPabs starts to drive off the road…

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And keeps going, straight into the water.

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It’s a water car. This actually looks like it would be a really fun thing to do and it appears as if they thoroughly enjoy themselves.

Throughout the date Cassandra makes it very clear that her last date was three years ago (when she got knocked up, she didn’t say so, I just did the math) by telling us so about 62 times. I really think it was 62.

Fast-forward back to the mansion and Elise and Sweet Mama Renee are on the couch chatting about how Elise’s mom passed away about a year ago. She revealed to Renee that her mom left a letter about how she wanted her daughter to find love on The Bachelor and she and Sweet Mama Renee hug over it.

Sigh. What aspirations.

Fast forward back to the date and JuanPabs and Cassandra pull up to a yacht in their water car and quickly strip down to their suits.

This is when I think, “Damn you, Cassandra for having that bod after a baby! I guess that’s what happens when  you get prego so young? Meh. In my next life. Kidding. That sounds horrid.

Anyway, then, before jumping into the water from maybe…. eight feet? Cassandra says “I think I am just going to trust him and jump in….”

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And I wonder, what does jumping off the side of a yacht have to do with trust? Did he promise you a shark wouldn’t bite your toes? Did he promise you wouldn’t get water up your nose? What?

Ridic.

JuanPabs then takes Cassandra back to the house he is staying at and cooks a romantic meal for her. He then says he wants to make her feel more comfortable since she looks nervous and decides bumping and grinding to Hispanic music is the key.

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And that just made me blush.

JuanPabs and Cassandra have dinner outside and in a personal interview says “Daaaaayyyaaaam, Cassandra is beautiful.”  And then they oochie oochie goo goo over kid pictures before he gives her a rose and makes out with her in the bushes.

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I am beginning to think J-Pabs is a man whore.

Fast-forward back at the mansion and the second date card is revealed and it is a group date. The girls get as sporty as they possibly can and meet J-Pabs on the field where he is showing off his skills.

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The obvious is revealed that the girls are going to be playing soccer and some girls break into a sweat and others can’t wait to beat some ass.

Fast-forward back to the mansion and Elise does some major crap talking about how child-like Chelsea is, as one of the two of them are sure to get the next one-on-one date.

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Fast-forward back to the group date and the girls start playing soccer against one another, split into two teams.

I was actually a little surprised by this game as they weren’t all complete duds! Except for the first play when they let the ball just roll on into the goal. DIVE for that ball, ladies! Come on, now!

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Girls are taking balls to the face, bouncing balls off their chests, and were actually getting after it. The red team is kicking butt, so J-Pabs decides to help the blue team out and the girls’ mouths drop to the ground in admiration.

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After soccer the girls get gussied up and J-Pabs spends some time with each girl individually. He chats with a few like a normal person would and then takes Andi behind the snack bar for some lip-locking action. That’s all they did. Make-out.

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Fast-forward back to the  mansion and the new date card arrives. Elise is certain the date is going to be with her since Chelsea “seems like a baby” and would never make a good step-mom.  They reveal that the date is actually with Chelsea and she looks like she wants to slit Chelsea’s throat.

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Fast-forward back to the group date and JuanPabs takes Sharleen onto the field. And then we see one of the most. awkward. semi-kisses EVER.

EVER!!!!

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It was excruciatingly painful to watch. And I apologize for the play-by-play, but I feel you need to get an accurate depiction of what Sharleen is all about.  At the very least, the girl’s dress has an amazing cutout.

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The rest of the girls spy on them kissing and Andi is upset since she had just locked lips with The Pabs.

At the end of the night J-Pabs gives a rose to Nikki (the pediatric nurse) for opening up to him which royally pisses off Andi and Sharleen, the two girls who practically swapped spit with each other.

Andi says…

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And Sharleen says…

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GIRLS!!! YOU KNEW WHAT THIS SHOW WAS ABOUT! HUHLOW!

Fast-forward to the one-on-one date with Chelsea and while the two of them take a drive to their destination, J-Pabs tries to swoon Chelsea with more of his Hispanic music and Chelsea tries to show how go-with-the-flow she is by rocking out to music she can’t understand. I give her props for trying.

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Fast-forward back to the mansion and once again, Elise is talking Shmack. She says “I don’t think she is a woman. She is a little girl. I’m not worried because she will end up going home.”

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Fast-forward back to the date and J-Pabs takes Chelsea to a Venezuelan restaurant and feeds her a bunch of food that she’s probably hoping doesn’t follow up with some bikini time.  I don’t know, sometimes new food leaves me bloated and gassy and ain’t no one find that sexy.

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J-Pabs then tries to make Chelsea spew her food by taking her tandem bungee jumping off a bridge.

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Chelsea squeals, shakes, cries and whines a whole lot for about… sheesh I don’t even know how long.I sortof wanted to push her off the edge and was hoping J-Pabs would have just done it himself. “Trust me now, Chels?!”

He keeps reassuring her that she can trust him but that if she doesn’t want to jump she doesn’t have to. Again, what does this have to do with trusting HIM? Can he prevent the line from breaking? Can he break her fall if it does?

Yeah, no. So enough with trust talk, J-Pabs.

They ultimately jump together. And then share an upside down kiss. I just can’t picture how this would be “sexy.” Gravity is just pulling things around all wrong.

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During dinner Chelsea reveals she’s the black sheep of the family because she didn’t become a doctor or lawyer, but instead a teacher. Chelsea is a giggling goat during all of dinner and JuanPabs finds this charming for some reason and gives her a rose.

AND THEN! GASP!!! Stop it!! NO WAY!!!

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MUSIC starts playing out of nowhere…. JUST LIKE LAST WEEK! Say it isn’t so!!!

Somehow Chelsea knows who the band is (does anyone ever know these bands??) and they dance just like he did the previous week with Clare.

Fast-forward to the next morning and JuanPabs surprises the girls by going to the mansion early and making them breakfast. He wants to see them in their “true beauty” form. Kelly is the first one to hobble downstairs and she is mortified. She claims her grandma taught her to “never let a man see you without your face on.”

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Renee, though, comes down fresh out of bed and I give her props for not caring, even giving J-Pabs a nice morning-mouth hello hug.

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Word gets out that JuanPabs is at the mansion and it is CLEAR which girls would not let JuanPabs see them without their makeup on.

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No bueno.

We then learn the evening cocktail party is cancelled and instead they are going to have a pool party. JuanPabs just wants to see each of them in their bikinis before making his next decision. He didn’t say this, it’s just a given.  The claws start to come out a bit and Kat  says “It’s definitely every woman for herself… I am going to make sure I position myself well…”

And she does.

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Please, someone chime in, does Kat have fake boobs? Or are they real? If they’re real, she’s no longer on my top list.

Sharleen then tries taking the high road by saying this totally isn’t her element and that other girls’ idea of fun is different than her own. THEN she pulls a sneak attack. I’m  telling you, this girl is devious. Sneaky Sharleen pulls JuanPabs aside and claims to feel all Awkward Amanda about being in front of the cameras and cries in his shoulder so that he comforts her.

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She remembers that the last time Cassandra did this, she was the first one to get a rose and is playing the same card. She then forgets about ol’ Awkward Amanda and decides this is prime time to seal the deal with a kiss. Apparently those cameras aren’t so bad now, are they Amanda?!

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The girls spot the make-out sesh which just about sends Clare to the kooky bin. She goes inside to cry and of course, Sweet Mama Renee comes to the rescue.

Because she cried, Clare then gets some on-on-one time with JuanPabs and claims that she’s not jealous of the other girls but that she just wishes it were her with him, instead.

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Isn’t that the definition of jealousy?

Humph.

This is when I think  that it would be ABSOLUTELY miserable to be the bachelor. Can you imagine having to deal with 27 women and their emotional madness?

It just sounds awful!

Fast-forward to the rose ceremony and nothing all that exciting happens. The two girls sent home are Lucy and Christy.

Christy cries about going home and wipes off her spray tan.

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Lucy cries about going home, but I think it’s really because she no longer gets to walk around as Nudey Lucy.

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She walked in barefoot, and she leaves barefoot.

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She gone.

And that’s that!

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Now, about the Bachelor League…

My previous Top 5 Girls were

Kat

Nicci

Clare

Renee

Andi

This week we are to put them  in order.

Ay yi yi. I just don’t know! Okay.

1. Nikki

2. Clare

3. Renee

4. Andi

5. Kat

Who do you think “wins” the heart of The Pabs?

Thanks for stopping by!

Comments

  1. I literally just a laughed out loud while reading this! Hilarious and so true! And my husband is Venezuelan and yes Venezuelan food does leave you very bloate. Its quite heavy and a lot of it is fried and if not it is made with some form of starch, bread and cheese. Its delicious but very bloating! I can’t wait for tonight! Def not a fan of Sharleen, love Nikkei, And i, and Clare!

    • Okay, good to know about Venezuelan food! I mean, I’d still eat it but whoever was around me would be paying for it! Sorry for the graphic image, but true. Good to hear from you!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Loved this week’s recaps! I totally flinched during the animal comparisons to sharleens kissing, they were spot on. As for Kat’ s boobs, my vote is fake. Regardless they are working.

    • Damnit, you’re right, they ARE working! Blast…. I hope Renee keeps on getting roses, the small boobied ladies need some lovin’, too!

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