Nudey Pooch Strutting…One girl’s strategy -Bachelor Recap #2

Welcome to another week of The Bachelor recap! Before tonight’s new episode you will get the rundown here in case you need to refresh your memory.

You are IN for a treat this week and I will just get right to it!

The Bach starts off with JuanPabs going on a date with Clare, his first one-on-one. J-Pabs claims to love surprising women and immediately blindfolds Clare.

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She gets all super giddy giddy gumdrop and while on the drive to their destination says things like “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.”

Man-sweat is hardly heaven in a bottle.

They arrive at their date and it is a gorgeous snowy forest of love set up for sledding, ice-skating and hot-tubbing.

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Fast-forward to the girls back at the mansion….

There is a group of girls talking in a hot tub and surprise, surprise, Lucy is topless. Casual, topless, booby-baring Lucy. Shocker.

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Fast-forward back to the date…

Clare and J-Pabs have a super time sledding and when it comes time to ice skate Clare pulls out all the stops.

She pulls the “Oh me, oh my! I have never skated before and I am going to play the damsel in distress and whoopsie! slip right here in front of your crotch, JuanPabs! How convenient! Aren’t I cutsie wootsie? Giggle giggle.”

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“OOo, a little wobbly….”

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“Catch me, Juanie!”

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       “Well now lookie here….”

Well, it seems to work for JuanPabs as they then cozy up together in the hot tub for some rub down, make-out action. As they are kissing Clare then says, “You taste like snow.”

Okay… so water? Urine? What?

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Things are getting hot, things are getting steamy, and then Clare gets serious and informs JuanPabs that her dad was a saint and that whoever she marries has huge shoes to fill.

Boner-killer.

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She then reveals that her dad passed away nine years ago. Sad. But…

Blue balls.

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J-Pabs keeps his cool and becomes a compassionate kitten showing Clare that he can be the sensitive saint that she is looking for.

And then JuanPabs says  “Looking at her smiling is better than a million bucks.”

No it’s not.

No one’s smile is better than a million bucks.

No one’s.

That’s just a lie.

J-Pabs ultimately gives Clare a rose and then GASP! You will NEVER EVER guess what happens!

Music just starts playing… out. of. nowhere. A magical band just appears and the two gallop through the snow in their bathing suits and dance together  in the snow.

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Original.

And then I think, “How much do these girls work-out before coming on this show? Because Clare looks damn good in that bikini as she is frolicking around and there is no way  in hell I would be doing that on national TV.

Fast-forward back to the mansion where we learn that Kat is the next girl to go on a one-on-one date with JuanPabs. Before he picks her up she says ” I can’t believe this is really happening. Like, this is real life.”

Really? You think it is normal for 27 women to date the same guy, live in the same house together, be lavished with food, romantic dates and bungalo time in the real world?

MMMMk.

He takes her to an airport where they hop on a private jet (hallelujah! It’s not a helicopter!).

JuanPabs gives Kat neon clothing and they then appear at this land of glowing lights, loud people and (I’m sure) ecstasy galore. They are at the Salt Lake City Electric 5k Run. People are dancing throughout the whole run,listening to loud, crazy music and (I’m sure) getting rubby on E. Isn’t that the rubby druggy?

 

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Anyway, after the run JuanPabs and Kat are called on stage where they dance their brains out in front of hundreds and hundreds of people.

Kat then shows off her dancing skills and does a little grinding action on J-Pabs, which he then rewards her with a rose.

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Yeah, duh!

Fast- forward to the group date, and we learn they are all doing a photo shoot with dogs to promote the adoption of said poochies.

The girls are given various costumes ranging from bikinis to look-alike doggy ensembles to fire hydrants to pose with the dogs in.

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Two girls, though, are given their outfits and they are nothing but a piece of cardboard.

Yep, they are to go nude.

The first girl, Elise, who is a first-grade school teacher learns she is baring all and becomes extremely uncomfortable, trying to get out of it. When the man-in-charge says no, she then smartly asks Lucy, who was assigned the fire hydrant, to switch costumes which she agrees to do. Both girls are very happy.

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She celebrates by walking completely nude down the street with her dog.

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Makes sense.

The next girl to learn about her nudey costume is the prosecution lawyer, Andi, and she mopes and gropes around the place until JuanPabs comforts her by saying he will bare his balls next to her so that she will feel comfortable.

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Yeah, sure, that’ll do the trick!

She ultimately agrees.

Andi, JuanPabs and Lucy all pose nudey with a dog covering most of Andi and we see that JuanPabs is in a position where if he moves half an inch to the right he will reveal a nice butthole shot.

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Sexy.

Fast-forward to the evening group date and 21 year-old Cassandra reveals to JuanPabs that she has an almost two-year-old son. They hug over it and then I do the math and realize she got knocked up at 18 and that she should have been on Teen Mom, instead.

Then, two girls try to  have a mini-intervention with the completely wasted Victoria in which she resists and replies “I just got here. I’m not hammered. This is how I am sober. I’m just fun sober.”

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And in a one-on-one interview says “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every daaaaay. Cause that’s what life is about, straddling people. And things.”

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I kid you not, she said that. I couldn’t even make this stuff up.

I also think she talked about doing the “Hymen Maneuver.”

And then she starts twerking in the pool.

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The alcohol finally catches up with Victoria and she looses her shit. She frolics around the place ultimately locking herself in a bathroom to throw a temper tantrum. After Sweet Mama Renee tries to reason with her, she bursts out of the bathroom declaring she is going home. The producers won’t allow her to for liability reasons and she again locks herself in a bathroom. J-Pabs learns what is going on and tries to reason with her with no success.  Somehow the producers convince her to pass out in a hotel room.

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Fast-forward a little bit and JuanPabs gives Kelly the group date rose for dressing like a dog.

JuanPabs then does a nice little gesture and asks that the girls make sure Victoria gets home safe so that he can talk to her in the morning.

Fast-forward to the next morning…

JuanPabs meets Victoria in her hotel room in which she apologizes and says she “may have over-reacted a little” and “welcome to Brazil” before JuanPabs ultimately sends her packing. He doesn’t need another child to take care of.

Fast-forward to the social gathering before the rose-ceremony…

JuanPabs first asks to spend time with Amy L., the news reporter,  in which she is super giddy about. Amy L. tries to be cute by doing a little mock-interview with J-Pabs but he just seems melancholy over the whole thing. Afterward, she reports that she feels “very confident” about their interaction.

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Poor sap.

Sharleen then talks with J-Pabs  and tries to redeem herself for her rude reaction to receiving the first-impression rose last episode.

I think she is just trying to cover up what she originally said of not being into JuanPabs because she wants to stay on the show. But again, girl has style and I ‘d like to see what else she has in store.

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Cassandra then cries over the babe she left at home as she is looking at photos of him. Sweet Mama Renee comes to the rescue once again before JuanPabs steps in to talk to her. He comforts her and I realize there is an 11 year age difference between the two of them. Hum…….

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Fast-forward to the rose ceremony and he calls Cassandra’s name first. We learn here that if you cry, you get a rose.

Noted.

When Lucy receives her rose she does a shimmy shimmy cocoa pop move back to her spot which makes a few girls glare.

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“Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop! Shimmy Shimmy wow!”

– Did that just date me?

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The roses are becoming slim and Crazy Eyed Couric starts to get worried.

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It is down to the last three girls and ultimately Couric goes home. Apparently JuanPabs does not like to be interviewed.

Again, noted.

We hear a couple of sad stories from the girls who go home and the show is over.

And that’s a wrap! As you can see, this week did not disappoint! I hope every week is this good!

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So, about my Fantasy Bachelor League...

Last week my top 5 girls were…

Kat

Nikki

Andi

Renee

Victoria- Good God, could I have been ANY MORE WRONG?! Thank goodness we can still change!

This week we can replace two girls.

So, my new list is this:

Kat

Nikki

Andi

Renee

Clare

 

Who is your front runner so far? I’d love hear your thoughts and comments! Thanks for stopping by!

Comments

  1. I once again enjoyed your recap of last week. I like Elise, Renee and Clare. :)

  2. Hilarious recap! Clare and Renee are front runners for me. And Lucy needs to go. Like yesterday.

    • I want to see Renee get a one-on-one! She’s just so dang sweet! And Whew! Adios Lucy! Thank goodness for that one!

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